You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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