just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
