Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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