I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
