Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
