Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Randomize
