Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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