I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
