Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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