Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
