Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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