I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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