Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
