Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
