I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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