Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
