there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
