He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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