he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
