fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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