omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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