Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
