Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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