I met the friendliest cop last night
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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