he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I cannot find my penis.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
