Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
