How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
