If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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