Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
