remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
