I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
