so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i drank out of a bidet.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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