i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
