I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
