i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
