just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
