Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
just tell him i said nine months
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
