My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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