just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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