If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
