My room smells like vodka and shame
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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