Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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