guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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