i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
