Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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