She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
We got so high we made milksteak
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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