Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
