I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
