Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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