look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
