i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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